So after this weekend,  I have decided to add a page on suggestions of what to avoid saying to adoptive parents.  When people dont understand the feelings involved with adoption things get very blunt and it stings to hear some of these things.  These are things that have actually been said to my face, recently even.  The responses I typed in brackets  are just what I should of said, but I stay as polite as possible to avoid conflict :

  • “are you going to get another black baby” (on hearing the news we are adopting again, why not say “do you have a racial preference?” or “will you be adopting another Xhosa baby”)
  • “does he speak xhosa” (yes but we could not understand him so we changed his language to english)
  • “does he know hes adopted” (this one is just an odd thing to ask the parents of a 4 year old, this is a matter of preference but for the record, he does know)
  • does he ever see his mother or does she contact you (what??! I am his mother)
  • “does he ever ask about his real mother” (why in the world would he, I am his real mother)
  • “cute i can just imagine a little black baby with her little hair braids sitting here” (did those words just come out of your mouth??? The stereotype as well as the reference to “a little black baby” is offensive)
  • “hes obviously not yours” (while standing in line at the shops with my son on my hip, if you want to be tactless, do it when my little person is not with me)
  • “Shame its so disgusting that his mother can throw him away” ( throw him away?? His birth mother carried him and took care of him for 9 months so that she could give him up, she could of had an abortion or dumped him somewhere if she wanted to be “disgusting” also, not shame, my son has a very happy life)
  • “Oh i love little black babies they are too cute” (my mind cannot compute such a statement * head explodes)”